-9 Months to The Day You Learn To Speak.

Your First Womb.

The first nine months pretty much suck for everybody. Most people block out these painful memories--this will explain why you remember so little of this time. For those of you who do remember this time it is constantly filled with muffled voices. TV is pretty much out of the question and the radio is very hard to hear. All you can do is divide and grow, divide and grow. The rate at which you grow in 9 months is phenomenal, but that is to be expected since there isn’t anything else to do.

Day One--Your First beating.

Your excited, something new is going to happen. The light will be bright, and your instinct will be to squint. This is very important-don’t squint. There is someone waiting out there who will give you the beating of your life (so far) and you will need to see him coming. You must fight him off. This will prove very difficult, since most of your natural defense have yet to grow in. Your fingernails are very soft, no teeth, and your still tied to your mom. This however is the key, try to strangle the masked man with your umbilical cord.

Ok so that didn’t work, but don’t feel to depressed he was bigger than you. See your coordination still isn’t what it will be, but try to remember his face so you can at least exact revenge. This traumatic experience usually instills a healthy fear of doctors later in life. The medical profession actually perpetuates this fear so you won’t question the doctor bills. Here is an important tip, try to suck up to the two claiming to be “Mom & Dad” They will be supporting you for a while, and if you have siblings, it is important that you are their favorite. This is kind of tricky, because the next few hours you will be passed between many people. What you’ll have to do is try and remember everybody’s face. Just to be careful be nice to everybody--make them think you are a sweet baby. This ensures that you don’t accidentally offend your parents, and will lull the others into a false sense of security.

Babies Under Glass

Your next torture treatment will involve being put on display behind a glass wall. This will be your best time to plot against the others. The goons behind the glass wall are your family--hopefully you’ll see a few there who look wealthy--smile at them. Don’t worry about the others. The rich ones will be the prime source for birthday presents, and graduation presents. The others will just show up and eat your cake and probably break your toys.

Got Milk?

Eventually you will get fed. Since this is your first meal it will taste great., but later you will realize that milk is only fit to be put on cereal and mixed into cake recipes. The bad news is that this is all you will get for quite some time. Try to grow teeth faster. This will greatly discourage breast feeding, and will allow you to move on to better food. Tip #2--try to reduce how much you spit up, for one it will make your parents happier, and secondly the more you spit up, the quicker you’ll get hungry and then your back to milk. Spiting up is an art that you will need to master, so practice it until you can do it on command, then save it for when you need it.

For The Guys...

Some people have this notion that cutting off the tip of a penis is fun. And since your not really old enough to voice any serious objections (or fight back as was evidenced by your first beating) you get to be the target of these sadists. Now I know there are some of you out there who have to get this done because of religious reasons, and the only thing I have to tell you is—put some ice on it. The non-circumcised penis will elicit scorn by those who have been victimized later in life, but males really try to avoid seriously talking about there penis with other guys.—its a defense mechanism. Well that and we are really only interested in our own. Still, it probably can get embarrassing, and its my understanding that in the old USA there are more “clipped” than “classic.” This is one of those things that some dumbass got started, and even though its a bad idea will probably stick around because most people are idiots. So, I’d say go ahead and have it done—it will let you blend into the crowd (this is strictly a figure of speech—if you find yourself in a crowd of naked men—you have more problems than this web page is prepared to deal with.) Plus if you get it done now you wont walk funny.

Cry Baby Cry

Eventually you will be taken home, get used to this place. Most of your time you’ll be spending here. Crying is just about the only attention getting device that you have. This is also a very important skill. This is how you get your diaper changed, you get food, and how you get held. You will be using this skill for about two years, after that you will have to selectively use this skill. If you are a guy you will need to stop this about age four. For girls, just consult your manuals on how to use it to get stuff later in life.

Let's Dress him like a bear!

Also at this time the amount of control you have over how you are dressed is pitifully low. This is where you need to be able to spit up on command. Whenever they put an outfit on you use your skill to veto an outfit. Always, ALWAYS keep some in reserve in case they buy a sailors suit. A sailor suit on a baby demeans both you and them.

TV=Love

Try to be careful over the next few years, this is the most crucial part of your entire life. The brainwashing starts immediately--beware. Learn to love the television, you will be grilled on a variety of language skills, and if you want to be successful you have to sound like they do on TV. Ware the TV it is a moody master, Even the amusing programs are brainwashing you. Once you get the language skills down, just watch the commercials-the brainwashing messages are easier to spot, and they are much more interesting.

Step 1.

Learning to walk is almost as important as learning to speak. But it is a two edged sword. Freedom will be yours, nothing can stop you. Walking lets you get to stuff that you couldn’t before. But, the better you get the less you will get carried. While it is great being packed everywhere-parents get tired fast and if you take too long your parents will tell everyone you know how slow you developed as a child. So you want to walk pretty soon. Another important tip is don’t take your first steps in front of a video camera--this is another way to embarrass you later in life--just wait till they are changing the tape then walk.

OH SHIT!

Along with the language skills comes the most traumatic experience of your life--“POTTY TRAINING.” Granted, the freedom that diapers provide is great, but if you don’t master this trickiest of tricks your parents tell everyone you know and while it’s not important now it will be. You will just have to trust me on this. Besides if you do well in life you will eventually get to use them again.

Still no Tequila

Okay, alot of these next tips won’t seem to be a good idea, and the rewards may not be apparent immediately, but you will have to trust me. It is vitally important to be very polite, nice, and friendly. Yes this is against your natural tendency, but this is very important. Your Parents will be guilted into buying better presents, the next layer of family will also bring bigger and better present, and it keeps the embarrassing stories later in life to a minimum. Your grip of the language is also important, this is how you will ask for things. Despite all this advice to behave and learn and all of this junk, you will still have to misbehave sometime-this is very important or else you end up in some therapy or doctors office with your parents trying to figure out what is wrong with you. The problem is that during this stage though crying and whining will be just about your only avenue of misbehavior, but later in life you will have more choices. I will go over a few more of those later.