K thru 8

Well, now that you’ve learned enough of your parents bad habits, and don’t soil yourself for your own amusement anymore (well most of you anyways) It’s time to find some more bad habits. This is where school comes in.

This is probably the most shocking of experiences to date. If you have older brothers and sisters your parents probably have been telling you how much fun school will be and you are pretty psyched up about the whole thing. Heck you may have even seen stuff on TV showing you how much fun school is. More than likely your parents will at some point try to convince you that school is fun. Well I’m here to tell you it sucks. If you haven’t learned by now that your parents lie to you more than they breathe then you must not be too swift on the upswing. (If you are wondering WHY they lie to you—just wait—the chapter dealing with the meaning of life should pretty much answer all your questions) This will probably be the first experience in your life where everybody isn’t waiting on you hand and foot. Before everything was being done for you. Now your in a whole class of people who all think they are the most special child in the world.

Ground Rules

Now your immediate tendency is to hang out with the fun kids. WRONG! Go hang out with the ones who are dressed better than the others first. Making the wealthier kids like you will pay off in the future. If possible be the fun kid then everybody will want to hang out with you—but lets face it—not everybody is a born entertainer. Just don't do anything really bad to earn yourself a nickname this early in your school career. At age 7 “booger boy” and “pees her pants girl” aren’t that devastating but they will be remembered in high school.

A lot of the basic rules earlier in life still apply here—you suck up to the teacher like you do mom and dad. Again they will “act” like your parents telling you they don’t have favorites amongst the class, but just like your parents with your brothers and sisters—they are flat out lying to you. Now your parents are only lying a little, but the teachers are telling great big whoppers. Trust me on this—my mom is a teacher and I’ve never met a more hate filled woman when it comes to children. She keeps a list of all the “little bastards” so if they ever reinstate corporal punishment she can go look them up. Now I don't want to give you the impression that just my mom is like this—all teachers are like this. They cuss the bad kids in the teachers lounge and at home. I’m sure I got quite a few beatings cause some punk she couldn’t touch acted up at school.

Regardless, if the teacher likes you they will be much more considerate of you losing your homework, or turning it in a tad late. For example—in school I was a “good” kid. All the teachers loved me. I wasn’t the most popular kid in class but the popular & rich people liked me. Now it just so happened that in the 6th grade I did not feel to well and I walked up to the teacher and said—“I don't feel well.” I was immediately sent to the principles office to have my temperature checked. The standard procedure was if you had a temp or were vomiting you could go home. It turns out I had neither BUT the principle said—call his parents to come get him. If he says he is sick then he is sick.

Now here is my warning—don’t abuse this privilege. I, not having completely tested this plan, abused the power and went home once every two weeks for about two months. Then I had to start passing the temp or vomit test. It was a sad day, but I really enjoyed the time off. Basically I guess my advice is use your powers sparingly and only when absolutely necessary—like there is something REALLY good on TV or you have a big test coming up later that day. The big test days are a bit of a problem. Here is another little tip—while they are discussing you—make sure and insist that you cant go home because you have a test in Ms. Teachers class, and you stayed up late studying. Teachers and Principles know about reverse psychology, but they aren’t smart enough to identify it being used against them. The fools think they are the only ones who can use those tools of evil, but sadly they are wrong. While we are on the subject—make sure you let yourself be “fooled” by reverse psychology every once in a while. Otherwise they may try to come up with something better—and we can’t have that. It’s OK to lose the battle if you win the war. And make no mistake—school is war.

Popularity

When dealing with your classmates you will probably be thinking—“GOOD GOD, What’s wrong with these clods?!?” Well they are thinking the same thing as you. Everybody in that class is the center of there own little universe. Now this is how you win. Let them be the center of the universe. If the putz wants the good red truck every time the toys come out—let him have the red truck. If some whiney girl wants the green crayon RIGHT NOW, give it to her. If the weird kid in the corner wants to look under your dress--let him. (OK this wont really help you, but speaking as a former weird kid in the corner—it will help him dramatically) Regardless—people love “yes” men. You won’t be the number one popular kid, but whoever turns out to be that kid—you get to be in the group. Being the most popular person has way too much pressure. Rivalries spring up between these ignorant glory hounds—and as long as your friends with everybody—you don't have to constantly compete. If playing the politics does seem like something fun to you, make subtle suggestions to the herd leaders. They think that they came up with the idea, and it will keep you out of trouble. Plus the position as a yes-man will give you the best seat in the house. Still it is pretty important to retain your impartiality—don’t make the mistake of sticking with a sinking ship too long. To continue this analogy—the first thing to jump off a sinking ship is a rat. Well, welcome to ratsville. Rats are disgusting not stupid. In some ways I identify closely with a rat. People don’t like me no matter how much I clean myself up, I like cheese, and, I scare women.