F.A.Q.

Q: Masturbation—Is it a sin?
A: This actually depends upon your religion, but stop sweating it—if you laughed at anything on my web page then odds are you are going to hell.

Q: Democrats or Republicans—Which is better?
A: Now this is a good question. First we must understand how both parties work. About the time of the inception of the Whig party, a group of super-intelligent squirrels started taking notice of politics. These squirrels used their mind control devices shaped like hazel nuts to control the key members of the whigs. However, One squirrel was not happy—the inventor of the mind control device. He said he didn't approve of the use of his machine on these lower animals and built a more powerful machine to end the other squirrels reign of terror. The other side immediately put there best squirrel minds to work on it, and the constant back and forth caused factions to split up—these eventually became the democrats and republicans. Now the technology of the squirrels is at an impasse and your political persuasion is determined mostly by how close you are to one of the squirrel factions transmitters.

Q: Where did these super intelligent squirrels come from?
A: That is a mystery, the theory that they are aliens has been advanced, but I refuse to put anything on my web page that I can not personally substantiate with indisputable proof.

Q: How come peaches are fuzzy and apples aren’t?
A: Before I answer this—I know your thinking—is this really one of those important questions that I need to know to get through life. Well it probably wouldn't have been, but now that the thought is in your mind you want to know don’t you! Well smart ass—if your going to question my selection of important life questions we don't need you here! Oh your sorry are you—well I will forgive you, but you must be punished. I refuse to tell you the answer to that question. Go look it up in some science book and then write a report on it and email it to me—if you are correct I will forgive you.

Q: Aren’t you afraid the squirrels will get mad that you are telling their secrets.
A: No, the squirrels don't scare me. The ducks—they scare me.

Q: Life—What’s up with that?
A: I’m sure by now you have noticed a recurring theme to my advice and knowledge. The same advice is stated over and over—this is not because I think you are dumb and have to drill this information into your head (well not completely). Rather, its the way the cosmos works. Everything repeats itself. Our solar system revolves around in the Milky Way, Our planets revolve around our sun, the moon revolves around earth. Peoples lives revolve around day and night (caused by the earths revolution for those of you who are particularly slow-witted). Parents revolve around society. Kids revolve around their parents. Protons and electrons revolve around the nucleus. Now the clue to solving all of your problems is found in those past few sentences. That's right! A Revolver! Actually any type of firearm should do the trick.
Ok Shooting people may not be the answer. However, This philosophy—when truly mastered will not only let you deal with life’s problems but give you complete peace of mind, reduces stress, heart disease, cholesterol, and is guaranteed to help you lose 10 pounds quickly. This sentence is why you should mail me large sums of money. This IS the Answer. The distillation of all compiled wisdom of mankind and their progress as a species. When confronted by a problem—simply spout these words and everything will be OK.

If you would like to submit a question, merely email the Poobah and place FAQ in the subject heading.