The Day You First Speak till You Start School

Great, you have mastered speech, walking, and potty training.

Now comes the hard part--dealing with relatives.

Ma & Pa

Your parents must be dealt with. First I have noticed that if you are male your mother will be the biggest source of sympathy and likewise if you are a female the father will be the one to wrap around your finger. Mind you, don’t play favorites between them, just know which one you can get the most out of. Hugs and kisses are very important to your parents at this age, and work better at getting presents than crying while your being dragged out of the toy department. This may take a little time to work, but in the long run it will be to your advantage. Don’t just give hugs and kisses anytime they act like they want them, only when absolutely necessary. The only time you should seem enthusiastic about it is when you receive a present. Eventually your parents will realize they must buy your love and will keep a steady supply of gifts coming. Once again the key here is the right combination of guilt and manners. For example try: “Wow! This looks fun, would you please buy this for me?” If the reply is yes, smile warmly and hug the parent. A kiss should be added if product is over $20. If no is the answer, say “I’m sorry I’ll try and act better?” and mope around the rest of the day. If they don’t go back and buy it for you your parents are clods. Don’t act happy until they do get you something—your affection isn’t free after all.

I know it will take a while to pay off but do not go this way: Screaming and crying while forcefully being drug from the store, “But I want it. I hate you! Wahhhh!”. This best case scenario here will keep your from being taken into stores with toys in the future, and the worst case is being locked in a closet and having your tongue cut out. I prefer the latter of the two alternatives, and when your older and have to stand in line behind this type of kid for twenty minutes just to buy a bag of chips you will feel the same way.

Cousins...

Relatives come in many more varieties than just parents. Normally, once you realize someone is a jerk you can plan your life so as to never see them again, but if they are related to you it will be a good Eighteen years before you can truly realize that dream. The closer in blood they are to you the longer you will have to put up with their crap. Siblings are usually your chief antagonists but the pain they cause usually diminishes with age. Either you end up tolerating them or else you both hate each other so much you never speak. Aunts and Uncles expect to be treated with respect, but don’t sweat these people too much. Treat the wealthy ones nice and try to act sleepy when the others are around so you can take a nap. Usually they will get tired of trying to be quiet and leave then you can go back to having fun. Really the worst danger from aunts and uncles is indirect—cousins. See there aren’t really any laws that keep stupid people from breeding.

With any luck though your parents won’t have any brothers or sisters. Still your more likely to have cousins than not. Some of your cousins will be tolerable, and you’ll want to find one you can stomach for a few hours at a time during family “get-togethers.” If your by yourself all the idiots want to talk to you—if you pick one you only have to talk to one. Regardless there will be a cousin who everybody hates—even the adults, and especially the brats parents. The whole reason they come to these reunions is to let the little bastard run around and hope he gets hit by a car. Common habits for these jerks include biting, hair-pulling, hitting, kicking, and anything else that can be annoying. If they are smaller than you, and you fight back or complain then YOU will get in trouble. If there bigger than you they wont quit even after they’ve been punished—why?—because they are assholes. My recommendation is an “accident.” A broken finger should be easy enough to manage regardless of the difference in size. A little game of football or even grabbing their hand to show them something and reversing directions all of a sudden. It’s a simple formula Pain = Distance and More Pain = More Distance. After the second or third “accident” even the dumbest of animals will leave you alone.