Poobah’s view on Six Flags St. Louis

If I had to sum up my experience there in one word, that word would be Pistachios.

More words huh?  Well…  ok.

How did this little experience begin?  Simple, my loving girlfriend says she wants to go ride roller coasters some time this summer.  I think to myself, hey that’s a good idea, a few of my buddies have said the same thing.  I mention it, she smiles and says invite them along!

YAY ROAD TRIP!

We gather up the participants, and due to illness, lack of funds, newborn babies, and overall frumpyness we lost a few of our teammates.  MY lovely girlfriend was horridly ill, and would not let me cancel.  A few of our buddies fell into one of those three categories.

We make this attempt in a single day, because if we were well rested we wouldn’t fight as much.  So we meet at my house between 6:30 ~ 6:45.  So we can promptly leave at 7:00.

Now is the time when I call out the liars.  Aaron (liar) shows up at 7:10.  Apparently drinking heavily at Applebee’s is his way of insuring promptness.  Allan (HUGE liar) convinces us that his wife gets off work at 7:00 and works a few minutes away.  A few minutes would not be a big deal, and he was nice enough to volunteer his vehicle.  I can wait an extra 10 minutes for a comfy ride.  Well, it appears that Allan misrepresented a number of things.  First his wife gets off work at 7:15, not 7:00.  So it’s a good 7:25 before she arrives.  Lie number two:  We will not be leaving as soon as she arrives, as she wishes to take a shower and change clothes.  (I mean, I’d go to Six Flags in a nurses outfit and white pantyhose—what’s her problem?)  Lie number three: We were NOT allowed to view the shower or changing of the clothes.  Lie number 4:  His wife does NOT like to do road trips topless.  Lie number 5:  Apparently his vehicle is NOT pants optional.  Lie number 6: pulling his finger is NOT the start of a musical symphony.  My T-shirt still smells like cooked cabbage soaked in rotten milk

We actually lost one person on the trip up there, we realized that Pelky had been left behind about a mile up the road from the gas station, but no-one really liked him so we didn’t go back.

Hmmm, probably shouldn’t have said his real name.  Let’s call him Charlie from now on to protect his identity.  Anyway, as it turns out Charlie was actually just in the other van.  Upon our arrival we stripped down to our speedos and spent an hour slathering sun block on our hot pulsating bodies.  Charlie spent the first three hours asking for “more back action.”  Finally we had to take the bottle away from him and Aaron or they would have dehydrated themselves.  Hmmm, again for protection Aaron will now be called Leopold.

I would now like to take the time to call shenanigans on Six Flags.  I don’t mind getting denied access to a roller coaster because I am a fat man, but my belly did not deny me many rides.  One coaster was too small because I was fat.  2 were because I was over 6’1”  and my legs were the main problem.  One additional ride was because my shoulders were too broad and thick.  I have chubby cheeks not shoulders.  For SHAME Six Flags.  I should have at least gotten like 5 bucks off my ticket.  They give kids a cheaper price cause they can’t enjoy the park, why not us behemoths?

Back to the experience.  Sno-cones.  They make awesome snow cones there, and honestly it was the whole reason I went.  Oddly enough they had FREE Guides to Fun, but never mentioned the sno-cone outlets—so obviously they were flawed.  I mean the whole reason to go is to eat sno-cones…  well that and to see John in a Bikini.  Again for protection John=Josiah.  In fact lets go ahead and get this taken care of now for everyone

Pelky = Charlie

Aaron = Leopold

John = Josiah

Sam = Susan

Matt = Shoehorn

Allan = Al

Leah = Susan #2

Poobah = Brian

            Josiah and Leopold got whiney every time their panties got wet. So they needed a nap.  Shoehorn refused to go on any ride that went over 5.5 feet in the air and wanted to go look at the girls in the bikinis in the swimming area.  Susan and myself had worn our swimming apparel in because we were smart and knew that we would be riding water rides.  In his defense Leopold did look at buying a pair of swimming trunks at 6 flags but chafed at the idea of paying 60 bucks for a 10 dollar pair of trunks he would use for an hour.  So Shoehorn, Susan and me head to the water slides, while Charlie takes a protective posture over Al, Susan #2, Leopold, and Josiah as they huddle protectively under a banana cabana.

            Susan and I, get Shoehorn almost 12 steps up on a water slide before he runs back to the ground and lays down in the sand.  Susan and I got a little spooked but the 8 year olds looked mean so we had to stay in line and look brave.   It was one of those water rides where like 3~6 people can get in this big tube.  Well they put me and Susan and a normal sized couple and there little girl.  Susan and me added enough momentum that we easily could have died.  In addition Susan and I were on the same side, so every time we hit a curve it folded like a taco and the little girl would bite my nose.

            Upon our arrival at the bottom Susan and I went to recover Shoehorn and grab the napping entourage.  Charlie was tea bagging everyone and feeling up Susan #2 while she slept.

            At this point we decided we were all old.  So we rode a few water rides and complained and had some more sno-cones.  Susan and Leopold had a beer, cause what says family fun and superheroes like a $5 beer.  Did I mention the corndogs where 4.75?  Did you know I have paid less for a T-Bone?  Man I wanted a corndog too…  But I wasn’t gonna get ripped off.  At least not on a corndog.

            The best thing in the whole damn place was a water ride where you just had one drop.  People could stand on a bridge and get hit with the wave of water.  Standing on the bridge was cool and seeing a wall of water slam into you was like what you see in those disaster movies.

            To wrap up the evening a few people who liked Scooby Doo went on a Scooby Doo ride, while the non-ignoramuses went and got a funnel cake.  Josiah, Charlie and myself went to dine on the cooked batter, powdered sugar and various toppinged up treat.  It was good, though I should have went for plain instead of cherry.  Fried batter and powdered sugar can’t really be improved upon.  Unless maybe they added Bacon.

            So we meet back up head to the vehicles and devour the remnants of the luncheon meat. And then head home.  Charlie and Leopold curled up like two snow bunnies in the back of Josiah’s van.  Susan, Al, Susan #2, and myself drove home in complete silence feeling the bitter rage between Susan and Susan #2.  They despised having to share secret names, and with everyone being tired, that was just the last straw.

            Basically, Six flags took a bit of work to get into, appeared to be rotten (green), but after experiencing it—it wasn’t too bad. Not something you would want all the time, but the occasional one isn’t too bad.  Kinda like pistachios.