Poobah’s tips on how to screw-people
While some would call this the art of Management, I do
believe there is more to managing than just screwing people over. Not much, but
some. Screwing people over is definitely the most fun part of managing, but not
the only part.
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Make them believe it is a good thing.
The best way to screw people over
is to make them believe it is a good thing. I know it sounds funny, but this is
actually way easier than you believe. Take promotions for example. Most people
associate more money with a promotion. Typically this is true, but they also
require more work for this new position. You might even be sliding into a
salaried position (major screwing). You will end up working more and earning
less per hour, and being happy about the opportunity. “Salaried positions” are
probably the greatest screw-innovation ever devised. I’m not sure who thought
of it, but I know for sure they are enjoying business-man heaven (which means
burning in hell for you non-Accountants).
An even better way to screw a person over and
make them think it’s a good thing is called a “special-project.” These
generally involve additional work at no extra pay so you can put it on your
resume to help you get a promotion. Hey it will look good the next time a
promotion comes around! I find it amusing that people at work beg to be screwed
more than hookers do.
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Make them believe they deserve it.
People are suckers. Generally they are filled
with self-doubt. Even if they aren’t, people screw up. If you remind people of
their faults and deficiencies it robs them of their willpower to fight back.
Examples you say? I’d be happy to provide. Welcome to your annual review.
Your boss will tell you your work has been good. Then they will point out areas
of improvement. You may be working 80 hours a week, and doing more than
everyone else in the building, but isn’t it amazing how everyone has room for
improvement. This is to justify giving you the same 3% raise as the guy who has
been sculpting animals out of paperclips. If you have done anything wrong in
the whole year their will be a piece of paper in your file just so you cant get
all uppity about not getting 4%. Ask to see the paper that reminds them that
you volunteered to help out on your weekend, or the paper where you spent 4
hours helping catch up when some of the more incompetent employees didn’t do
their job. Sorry, it’s much easier to just point out the minor problems you
have had so you can suck it up and eat that 3%. As a side note this is proven
by the universal woman theorem #10-427 It is easier to date a 10 who thinks she
is a 4 than a 2 who thinks she is a 7.
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Make them believe it is the best alternative.
People will accept many things they shouldn’t
if they believe that all the other possibilities are even worse. Even better,
they can know it’s not true but rationalization really helps push this one
through. A 5% pay cut across the board sounds better than the company shutting
down and everyone losing their job. Everyone knows you could just fire the
people who don’t do anything and cut the higher ups salary down to something
reasonable, but we know THAT’S not going to happen. So you go home screwed
thinking that at least you still have a job and your health insurance. Mission
accomplished.
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Shift blame to people other than yourself.
Upper management convinces lower management
that they need to spread the bad news around and that lower management should
not try to place blame on upper management. Its bad for business. Employees
lose faith in our business. It’s bad for morale. Blah Blah Blah. Basically,
they don’t want the employees showing up at their office whining to them, they
pay the lower management to eat the shit. Lower management will even get in
trouble for blaming upper management. Having said all that, blaming your boss
is the easiest thing in the world. Everyone thinks you are a schmuck, but they
KNOW your boss is a schmuck. Why? Well if you have been doing your job (and
shifting blame accordingly) they believe upper management is the root of all
evil. And honestly, they probably are. I personally only blame people above me
when they actually are to blame. This is the majority of the time though.
Government regulations are also a really good fallback depending on your
business line. They are like the pinnacle of upper management. I mean everyone
hates the government. Except marines, but they volunteer to get shot at so
their opinions don’t count.
Policies/Procedures are designed
specifically for shifting blame away from management. Blaming policies and
procedures is probably more effective, but requires a bit more creativity. If
it is a bad policy then you are actually blaming upper management not the
policy/procedure. A good policy/procedure means you are blaming the employees
themselves! Hey we would LIKE to not have everyone badge in and out but people
kept stealing the coffee makers. Look we cut our copier paper expense in half
after we started locking the filing cabinets. Now it probably was upper
management stealing it anyway (I know I would) but now they can hate their
coworkers for yet another reason. Basically most of these policies are here to
tell the employee that if they could be trusted not to steal, to do their job,
and act in a decent manner we wouldn’t have to have these policies. It is a
widely know fact that HR keeps a copy of all policies and procedures written in
the fresh blood of newborn Canadian babies (the purest of all babies).
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