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To Whom It May Concern:
It has come to my attention that we have some
fucking annoying people here at work. In order to keep me from rubbing rotten
eggs into the carpet around your desk, I suggest you read this email carefully
and change your behavior. If you are not exhibiting any of the below behaviors
you may ignore the appropriate section. I also encourage you to forward the
email to specific people so they will know they are annoying. You can even
bold certain sections.
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Quit hanging out in work areas on your lunch. People are busy and
do not want to talk to you. The reason the lunchroom is empty is people watch
you go to lunch and avoid it because your conversations are more painful that
dunking your genitalia in sulfuric acid.
·
Just because someone made eye contact with you is not an excuse to
start a conversation. If you do start a conversations… start off with a
“Hello”, or “How ya doin?” Judge reaction and interest then MAYBE start a
conversation. Just because you have a story about how your husband doesn’t help
at night with the new baby doesn’t mean anyone wants to hear it. Much less the
person who sits at the desk across from you and happened to look up.
·
If your manager treats you nicer than other people in your life it
is because he is paid too, not because he likes you. People at work HAVE to
talk to you to get their work done, do not assume that they care about you. If
your only social interactions occur at work this does not mean they like you at
work. It means you are a putz and can’t get anyone to listen to you without
being paid.
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If you don’t want me licking your neck, you shouldn’t wear perfume
that smells like strawberries. You may think you are wearing something for a
specific person at work, but the ugly fat guys/gals get the benefits. So if you
don’t want creepy guy looking down your blouse, don’t wear low-cut blouses.
Besides the cute guy probably doesn’t like you anyway. So quit getting uppity.
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TAKE A BATH EVERY DAY! With water and soap and shampoo. Follow
it up with deodorant. Do this immediately before coming to work.
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People at work don’t want hugs. Quit it.
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If you don’t look busy, quit coping an attitude when asked to do
something.
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Don’t look for friends at work. People do not want to hang out
with you for 8 hours at work, much less spend time fishing with you on the
weekend. If you want a friend, go to church, or a club, or an AA meeting.
If anything in this email offended
you, then you did something wrong. Consider this your punishment. Quit feeling
embarrassed, everyone already knows you are annoying; the only difference is
today YOU know you are annoying.
Sincerely,
<your name>
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Michelle
Ryan is the new Bionic Woman. She has been in some
other stuff, but this is her big American debut. Speaking of big
debuts check out some of these pics. She is another lady who doesn't
fit my standard protocal, but she definitely is hot.
